So today’s post is a little bit different. Our guest writer today, has had a rough couple of Christmases and to be honest I’m just glad that depression didn’t pull her under. She’s an amazing writer, funny, witty, bubbly and one of our favorite commenters on blogville.
We all know her here as msgiddy but today I bring you Disemi unplugged
as she lets us in on a private and very personal letter to Jesus.
Bring out the tissues but spoiler alert….
it ends well!
I am back again, I know it took me a few Christmases to finally send you another letter but I have a few reasons, maybe it’s not good enough and maybe you won’t buy it but I felt a little lost and unhappy.
I gave up writing to Santa a long time ago but for some reason after losing my sister and my mum, I felt like a child who was back to believing I was on Santa’s naughty list.
For a long time I kept wondering what I must have done wrong, why did I deserve all that was happening, I had just sent you a letter telling you all I wanted for Christmas and the new year, I was confident that You unlike Santa had heard me, had my back and you were going to surprise me, but January came and instead of the new life we prayed for we lost not one but two.
It was hard to process and I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to learn from the lesson, I didn’t understand what I had done to get me on your “learning list”, what were you trying to teach me, why me, I had a lot of questions but it was ok, I was used to the bad stuff happening and somehow I kept going.
It was just another year for me, there was no miracle to tick off my list so I figured maybe there were a few naughty elf like angels mixing up my prayer lists
because For every time I asked for something, I got the exact opposite but because I had been on this waiting list for a while, it wasn’t new to me, I kept pulling up my big girl pants, holding on, chanting the words “all will be well”.
I got tired of giving in, I was tired of waiting, I was tired of being that child who believed in Santa but still got disappointed, didn’t get the gift they wanted because Santa was not real and well maybe daddy just couldn’t afford the want, I was tired of waiting with cookies and milk by the fire place I didn’t have and hoping for gifts beneath the tree that I didn’t put up because there was nothing to celebrate. I was tired of waiting for a harvest that didn’t seem to come , waiting for my bread that I had cast upon the waters ….
I had forgotten that you are the miracle itself.
It took me some time to leave the pity party, but once I did, I decided there was no going back, and I remember saying to my self that this year I will win.
I will no longer have to sift through old memories to remember what you had done, I wasn’t just going to share another’s testimony and casually tell you I am tapping into it, but I wanted to experience miracles of my own. I wanted to be the one telling it on the mountains, over the hills and everywhere.
I wanted to experience you in a new way and this year Christmas came early.
This year hit different. I feel like the one with the true love in the 12 days of Christmas carol, because you gave me a gift every month this year.
For every time I thought it was a fluke, you responded with a “try me”.
For every time I thought I would fail, you gave me a win.
For every Red Sea, you said to me point your staff.
For every wish, you gave me a miracle. You answered in more ways than many that one prayer that I prayed years ago, you gave me gifts that boxes under a tree couldn’t contain.
It’s 7:59 right now and it’s pitch dark but that doesn’t matter because I am finally enjoying my white Christmas
there’s hot cocoa in a cup and a good book beside me and as I stare at my little tree and the lights twinkling on it, I am not thinking about all the things I didn’t get, the Miracles yet undone instead I remember and count all of the beautiful blessings you gave to me this year.
This year when I celebrate your birth, I think of the fact that your birth is a blessing, it is in itself a present, a gift that keeps on giving and I am eternally grateful for You.
This year has taught me that good things take time, that sometimes the waiting period might be long, that we might not always have all the answers or understand everything that happens, in fact we might hate the experiences no matter how well they shape us…..but most importantly I have learnt the true meaning of times and seasons
and right now ‘Tis the season to be jolly.
Happy birthday Jesus,
I love you always