Am i right to feel this way?

Hi people
I told you to watch out for today’s post but actually every month on this blog you get a chance to win a prize as I will be putting up a dilemma post. The post would be a bit different than the usual ones. I’ll be putting up a scenario and I’ll be needing your help on it.

However for today, there’s a young damsel in distress. She sent me this email and I need you to tell me what you think. Best three comments win a prize.

So I’m counting on you people. Here’s the email.

Dear Pastor M
I’ve followed you and your husband’s ministry for a while now. Ma, I’m writing you now because I need your help. I am engaged and my fiance and I plan to get married sometime towards the end of the year.

Something happened today and I’m really very angry about it. My fiance just got a house and we are trying to furnish it. I’m out of town for a bit on official assignment but he called me today really excited that his mum came to the house and since she didn’t see anything in the kitchen she went ahead and bought him a stove, some pots and some plates.

Pastor can you imagine?! I feel it’s my home and not hers! How can she buy stuff in my kitchen?! It’s my kitchen and not hers! How can she do a thing like that without asking me first. The only meaning I can read into this is that she thinks I can’t furnish my house! I’m sooooo angry right now ma. I’m not happy about it at all and there won’t be peace in my heart until I remove everything she bought and give them out. The only way I will be happy is if I buy my things myself. Why can’t she allow me to buy my things myself or why didn’t she wait to give it to me as a gift after wedding? I feel by this act she has made it clear that she wants to run my home.

I’m away for a month and will be back soon but I know what I want to do is to remove all the things she bought. My only dilemma is how to tell my fiance without him feeling bad. He may not see it that way and may be upset that I am making a mountain out of a mole hill but pastor what do you think? Am I right to feel this way? Should I tell him or should I just do what is in my heart? I love my fiance and I don’t want to hurt him.

So people there you have it. What do you think? Remember best comments win a prize. Winners will be announced next week Tuesday.

And oh! Let’s make this fun. Tell as many people as you can, reblog, share the link on bbm, facebook, twitter, etc

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161 thoughts on “Am i right to feel this way?

  1. You shouldn’t be angry at all cos in my own point of view she was only trying to help there’s no big deal. You should be grateful.

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  2. Its not her kitchen, she isn’t married to him yet. So technically, the mother of the guy can make herself as comfortable as she likes in her son’s house. (Jamesjimwan@yahoo.com)

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  3. Hmmmn! I want to get this; is the fiance living in the apartment now? If he is living there already then this is my view. I don’t really think her to be mother in law wants to run her home. I want to believe she saw that her son really needed those things. Would she have preferred he not have anything to eat with, cook with etc. I think she is making an issue when there isn’t one. She should thank the woman. The woman acted out of love for her son. Its not like she started decorating the house like choosing the house colour or curtains\drapes.

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  4. Hi girlfriend,I dnt think anytin is wrong with her buying all does stuff,although some of them capitalise on things like that if given the chance even if she has an alterior motive the moment u make a move buy taking them away, u have given her the chance to come into ur relationship.And that doesn’t stop u from buying ur own stuff too.apply wisdom my dear.

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  5. Well, the lady should get a grip, “anger lies in the belly of fools”.Its not yet her kitchen,she should just be patient till she’s married.
    Every child no matter the age are still babies to their mom,she was just being a mother to her son,so he would not starve before the fiancee gets back from her trip.

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  6. This is so funny, really funny!!!!
    She is not a wife yet, and that’s his mum.
    She is barely wasting emotions here besides when she gets married she can always get d quality of kitchen utensils that she so desires and no one can stop her.
    My advise to this young woman is that she channels are strength into something more meaningful.
    Thank you.

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  7. Good day,
    Oh yes darling,you are surely making a mountain out of a mole hill.why would you worry about petty issues that shouldn’t be your uptmost concern now.what month are we in …February?and you say you are getting married end of year which i believe may be December?earliest September?8 months from now? common honey get busy!!

    You should be concerned with preparing for your wedding,developing your self for marriage and seeking God’s face for your life.

    I am pretty sure that guests at your wedding would get you house hold gifts and chances are that you may use at least 40% of them.so what are we talking about here?is it because she is your mother in-law to be?

    I am also certain that you will be a mother and a mother in-law some day and may do same.No mother will do differently especially if they have the capacity of doing so.

    So sweetheart,dont sweat the small stuff ,you still have a life time together with your spouse to be .kindly save your energy for more tringent issues life may dish out in future.
    Shallom

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  8. My advice is that she shud nt take any offence bcos the fiance mother bought those thing, and I observe something, she is not friendly with the guys mother, she is married to him yet dats y d mum did dat, cos if ure are married to him, she will undastnd u went for an assignment and wailt for u to com bak, ur fiance is not d only one ure gettin married to, d family is also gettin married to u, cos ure entry into dat home, my advice now is dat wen u come bak home, in a right place and at right time, tnk her for wat she did, and wen ure married, u can rearange ur home d way u want it to be, this is marriage, dnt allow little things get u upset

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  9. To me the lady in question is over reacting for something that isn’t worth it. Your mother Inlaw-to-be did that cos she felt it was necessary. I didn’t see anything wrong in what she did, u were suppose to even thank her rather than quarreling. You are sounding as if you are having issues with her before. Plz be very careful not to spoil ur relationship .

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  10. Well every woman would feel the same way this lady feels, but a matter like this should be approached with the utmost caution. Firstly you wouldn’t want τ̅☺ hurt the feelings of your fiancee Απϑ also not forgetting your in-laws who are going τ̅☺ be a vital part of your life in future.
    So my advise τ̅☺ you ȋ̝̊̅§ thread softly, speak with ur fiancee confidence tell him you don’t feel his mum should have furnished ur kitchen in your absence but don’t forget, never throw out what she’s got. Atleast not until you have moved in τ̅☺ his home, you can go ahead Απϑ furnish the kitchen the way you desire but never throw out what has been there so as not τ̅☺ attract your mother-in-laws wrath.

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  11. Hello bride to be, I think you’re channelling too much negative energy into things that don’t matter. When u get finally get married, inlaws are bound to upset you either intentionally or not, just like every other human being,but your approach to their ” crossing your line” goes a long way. She simply bought you pots, see the glass half full….lets see it that she cares that you guys eat properly made home food, abi. If you rills think she’s stepping on your toes, go kneel down and thank her for the pots then probably then you can judge by her reaction. Moreover if you’re not satisfied with her choice of pots and stove,gradually change the pots to your choice without raising Unnecessary dust.It’s not even an issue for discussion with your husband to be, as their are far more important marriage issues to discuss and pray about for the success of the marriage, than pots?….. Babes, ur inlaws have not brought in a Second wife for your husband cos you could not conceive or produce a male child,they have not mandated his siblings to live with him by force, mama has not moved into your house o, they have not tagged you a witch for No just course, they have not turned your husband against you, they have not even accepted you ‘towo, tese” into their family and you think the purchase of highly useful pots is the most pressing issue right now. Lots of married women out there would wish they had only your pots issues.i totally understand your being upset and Don’t mean to be sarcastic but act with wisdom, draw an invisible boundary line with caution. You must be a peace maker in your home-to-be and always learn to see issues from two angles, you could be really surprised at the response you get when you look at things from the positive side always……my mum always told us ” non-living things must not cause a fight amongst living things that have mouths to speak for themselves”..in order words, don’t allow the issue of pots bring about strife in a home that is even yet to be built by you…..babes, take am easy, you no get problem. send the pots to me o, as I have many people wey need am ….Lolz

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  12. Thank God you realised you might be making a mounting out of a mole hill, three pple ‘re involvd here,d mother, son and d fiance and not d wife. So I wonder what you are complaining about.I think that what you should focus on is how to integrate youself into the family and not neccessary to start this early in fighting what might elude you tomorrow. There is a bond between a mother and child you may not understand it well untill you have your own child. Be careful the way you go about certain issues lest you get yourself entangled in a web of trouble. Pray so that the process of your union should be knitted in holy wedlock then you learn how to carry every member of your new family along. The woman in quetion may not even be thinking all this things you are thinking and you have done anything to find out. I think your problem is that you think that you have failed in your responsibility next time try and do the right thing at the right time.

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  13. Ok its said that one picture says a thousand words. If i substitute this Mother-in-law to be Pastor (Mrs) Mildred n u wud soon be her son’s wife, wud she still have this concern of who bought a piece of metal called pot.
    If i substitute dis pot for a 6 plot land in V.I, wud dis talk still exist ? Dear Sis. The important thing here is nt d gift, its d state/relations btw d giver (pastor or in-law) n reciever (her).

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  14. See me see goodness and mercy o. Sometimes us girls create problems for ourselves abeg. Ur fiance’s mom bought stuff for her son’s kitchen and u dey provoke on top? Hian! Ok na when u marry the man kwanu? Abeg abeg abeg, the kitchen is her son’s, not yours sweetum. When the time is right, you can take charge, for now take a chill pill, sister of the Most High.

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  15. Goodevening Pastor M,
    Thanks for this oppoutunity.
    My response is as follows:
    I would first as if your born again? Let’s say yes. Then I think you should watch that anger girl. Remember the fruit of the spirit? Surely anger is not included (SMH)
    Now, back to your fiance.
    When you get back (not on phone please) in one of his good mood preferably over the week end when his relaxed you must have prayed for understanding ofcourse so he does’nt explode. Amicably, you tell him that you really appriciate the effort his mum made and that it shows she cares but that you where looking so foward to duing it your self.. Especially since you’ll be the one using them.
    Finally, that incase of next time that you’ll like to be in the know before such decissions are taking preferably he should try and discorage her from doing so!
    Thank you Pst. M for this oppotunity. Your the best ever. I love you to the moon and back ma.

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  16. Please, just relax if it was the other way round, the man would appreciate a gift from his father-in-law, just take it easy, don’t be so petty about small issues, it’s not like you can’t change the stove and pots, meanwhile when you get back, you can swallow your pride and first say thank you, some people would like to have your mother-in-law to be……be thankful.

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  17. She’s got it all wrong(the lady in question)! She’s so prejudiced she can’t even see through kindly acts. In my opinion, there is nothing to buying a few pots,plates and stove. She should enjoy them to the fullest and when they are old,you throw them away. If she thinks buying these little items is all about ruling/controling her home,then she’s walking into a marriage dat will hit the rocks through her own very faults. For crying out loud,this is a mother is just taking pride in the fact that her son has gotten an apartment and has shown her own support in the way she can. Moreover,she’s not even married to him yet!
    An advice for her, if she sees every gesture as a threat to her and the marriage, then it will become one and eventually bring to the downfall of the marriage. Now,even if there are previous indications to the fact that the mother is opposed to the union,then picking faults and fights won’t be a solution to her having her way. Trivial matters should be left trivial,in matters of great importance, she decides with her fiance and allow him to do the talking,and if he’s a ‘man’ things would always be resolved without her voice being heard. Eventually, the mother would realise(if she’s really got some niceness in her)that she just has to accept her. So all in all, she’s absolutely not right to feel the way she,s feeling,cos there’s no reason for the anger. Rather she should call up her soon-to-be mother-in-law and thank her profusely. The mother-in-law’s response to the appreciation will help her determine any motive(if there was) to her actions. Infact, she should be praying towards the sucess and actualisation of her marriage!

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  18. Ofcourse you are right to feel that way sis! Why? Because you are human and human are imperfect,you have a right to be angry and the rest but what did the bible says; be angry but do not sin… Start by seeing your mother-in law as your mother and also know you’ll be a mother in-law some day too,I also don’t see much to it though you ought to have done that prior to your mother-in law’s move- look a man has to eat irrespective of whether you are around or not! Don’t be alarmed! Those utensils would go a lond way If he’s a man who can do little things in the kitchen for himself and would you still feel gutted if its your husband who bought them.for a starter or fresher like some of us what matter is having it and using it,so sis when you arrive get some more! No harm in that,life goes on.

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  19. Wow!!! Am really amaze at u,but all the same u ve every right to your own perception,one thing I could pin point you sayin is dt u love ur fiance,nd if u really do you should endervour to enter his home nd family with love nd a clean heart,nd please please don’t throw away the things your mother in-law to be bought for the kichen,remember that u re d one dt travelled nd u wouldn’t be back till a months time,nd were u expecting your hubby to be buyin food outside while the mom cn fix sum stuffs till get back?think!if your were in her shoes you will definitly do the same thing even more,what i think you shuld do is when u eventually get back frm ur trip,u should go and thank her for cumin around to take care of ur hubby nd the wounderful things she bought for d home,I bet you wouldn’t have liked it at all if its another lady that bought it while u were nt around,learn to be grateful to people when they do little things for you,and reciprocate their kind gesture when you can.above all have the right attitude that way you will achieve great things in your marital life even when the other party didn’t mean well for u,I wish you the best marriage ever!

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  20. LOL, i cant help but laugh after reading this!

    ok so she is making a big deal cos the MOTHER bought something for HER child

    ffirst of all, YOU ARENT YET HIS WIFE! U HAVENT PICKED A WEDDING DATE!
    secondly, you knew u would be leaving for a month and you didnt think to consider how le boo will be eating? ok.. lets assume you left before the house started taking shape with furnitures and co; as a woman isnt the kitchen suppose to be one of the first place to stark.

    sooo …wait.. u mean the gifts you recieve on your wedding day would also be giving out because u didnt BUY it with your money?

    looool

    all i can say is YOU ARE NOT READY FOR MARRIAGE ..IMMATURITY IS REALLY DOING YOU GAZZ GAZZ

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  21. As u gradually buy ur utensils back to ur kitchen, you can also gradually dispose the ones she bought without anyone noticing…stay calm, she may have good intentions by buying them for you initially

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  22. In my opinion I would think the lady is selfish and making a big deal out of a mothers love for her son.. I would like 2 ask the lady a question: Have you in anyway been subjected to feel like your “would be mother in law” is over bearing? If No, why worry over the fact she bought simple cooking utencils in your absence for her son to cook & feed..was he supposed to wait 1 month in your absence b4 been able to cook indomie in his house cos her royal majesty wants to take time and furnish her kitchen.. Less you forget your mother in law cooked meals for her son a long time back before you came in the picture. If she had bought cooking gas, burners, microwave and dinning table in your “kitchen” then there would have been a reason to worry .. My dear before you start developing hateful feelings for a woman who is not even thinking in line with what your thinking, I suggest you concentrate on creating a happy relationship with her and taking care of your man.. This is smoke without fire.. Have a blessed and happy union.

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  23. I think the major issue here is the lady’s mind set which if not properly handled might result in mother in law versus daughter in law crisis. first you must know that you are not entering a competition, your mother in law to be should as well be seen as your mother now imagine your biological mother got those things would you feel she’s trying to take your position? if you want the love between you and you husband to be to still be intact take his mum like your mum. just for the record you should be lucky its his mum and not another woman cheers.

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  24. My dear, u really need T̶̲̥̅Ơ̴͡ take things easy ooooooo. Gosh, u aren’t married T̶̲̥̅Ơ̴͡ the guy yet and you ® already finding fault with the mother. I’m not married yet but from what I understand, I think she was just trying T̶̲̥̅Ơ̴͡ help. You have T̶̲̥̅Ơ̴͡ be very careful how you handle this because if you go ranting and raving T̶̲̥̅Ơ̴͡ ur intended, he might jump T̶̲̥̅Ơ̴͡ the wrong conclusion that you hate his mother, ® domineering and controlling and no man wants that in his house. So babe, just chill, when you eventually get married, you sit ur hubby down and calmly tell him how you want your home T̶̲̥̅Ơ͡ be without mummy’s interference……Don’t forget T̶̲̥̅Ơ̴͡ pray about the issue and how you want your home T̶̲̥̅Ơ̴͡ be T̶̲̥̅Ơ̴͡ your father in heaven…..Cheerio

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  25. Pastor M,
    no need to type long grammar; she is not ready for marriage she wants to join the league of married women, without knowing the little tricks and politics in marriage. No matter what, she has no right to feel the way she does. If she feels this way now imagine how she will feel when the man marrys her and puts her in his home noone will be allowed to visit her home or even touch her pot of soup.
    If I am the man, I will not marry her once I detect this attitude because she sounds like a possesive individual. She needs to learn that her love must cut across his mother, father, brothers and sisters even if they do not like her.

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  26. This is not an issue, although I have been in a place in my life where the fiancee’s bitter complaints would have made much sense. They still do, but there is always a way out. We do not know the full story here, the mother of her fiance could have done this out of love for her son, or out of spite for the girl. Since we do not have the benefit of the woman’s story, let us get practical. What did you, as a fiancee, expect your husband to cook with in the weeks of your absence? What plans did you make for his feeding before you left? If your new mother-to-be left her home and came to help out in your new home, whatever be the reason, you should call to thank her. And you need a reality check: are you angry that your mother-in-law bought cooking utensils, or you’re angry that your fiance didn’t tell her that you two had planned to furnish the home together? Would you be angry if your own sister/mother was the one who brought the cooking utensils? If no, then your beef isn’t with the utensils, but with who brought them. That woman carried your husband for nine months, and made many a sacrifice to make him the man you saw and fell in love with. She should be your partner, not your adversary/competitor. She’s known your husband longer than you have. His favourite foods, what drives him, how to know when he’s about flaring up, these are things you can learn just by being around his family. Bring them closer to you, don’t push them away. trust me, everyone knows their boundaries, and even if they don’t, you gently set it in love. This is Nigeria. You marry the family. Note that the fiance didn’t say his mother bought him kitchen cabinets and table gas and electric cooker- just a stove, SOME plates, etc, basic stuff that would kip him going till you, the wife, comes home. So as the woman of the home, I suggest you call your fiance’s mother and thank her for doing something so thoughtful. When you return home and do not find the utensils to your taste, gently replace them, one at a time. That way, it’s a win-win: your mother inlaw will be pleased that you appreciated and recognised her efforts, and you still get to furnish your home the way you want to! God bless you.

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  27. Tell ur fiance about it is between the both of u wat ever u both decide should be done. But don’t remove it yet wat ever he says listen to him first.

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  28. I feel she is over-reacting, and she hasn’t taken her mother-in-law to be as her own mother. Once she can take her to be her own mother, she would not even be angry at her buying those stuffs rather ask her to even take her to the market and they both buy more as an experienced mother. This lady in question is a kind of person that would throw away foodstuffs brought by mama at any visits thinking why should mama bring foodstuffs wen they have enof, propbably mama has poisoned the food and all those evil thought. I think she should regard her mum in law as her own else she would keep finding faults and one day make serious troubles of which men/husbands don’t joke wit their mum. To me its no issue, I would be glad she bought all those for me making things easier for me o jare.

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  29. It is a very good thing to feel that way. But the questions to ask are…what level of relationship exists between her and her mother in law? Or has the mother in law the knowledge that her son has a wife to be? I think her mother in law to be is not @ fault haven’t done what she did because she’s presummed the wife to be is out of the relationship…hence her son cannot just live without been taken care of until he finds another.
    Again, if she is known to her in-laws that she is the wife to be, I think she is too far from her in terms of communication. There is a way she could help the situation with good communication with her mother-in-law. So, the best thing for her to do is to thank her mother-in-law with modesty and respect…then go ahead to inform her fiancee her readiness to equip the kitchen. She need not tell her fiancee about giving out those kitchen stuff her mother in law bought. Since she is convinced she owns her kitchen, then she has the right to decide what is and what is not needed in the kitchen.

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  30. You sound funny,my dear u aint even married yet,u will be away for a month,do u expect him to keep eating out for that long,am sure the mum meant no harm,she was just being a mother to her son,u shldn’t take it so serious….
    You emphaised on loving him so much,I will say if u do pls dnt talk abt this to anyone nt to say him,u will only hurt him,dnt u feel its too early to start rivalling your mother inlaw?most times we think they are doing things against us but am sure it helps your understanding if you put urself in her shoes nd if you replace her with your mum,a mother wld always do things in d interest of her child not always minding who gets hurts,pls be careful!

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  31. U dont need to feel bad for whatever reason.ur motherinlaw didnt mean any harm by buying those things for u.she tot it wise dt they are needed in d kitchen.since you were away from home for a month ,u dont expect ur motherinlaw and ur fiance to be eating outside pending when u return.its not wise.so ur motherinlaw is right by buying u a stove ,pot and some other things needed in d kitchen,she is not trying to control u afterall u are not her daughter in law yet,u are not married to her son yet.she needs to take care of her son by cooking for him.u dont need to feel bad

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  32. 132 comments, where have you people been? Hoarding comments like me, but gats to comment now as freebies are involved.lol.
    To the Situation at hand,I think lady above is just worrying unnecessarily, biko. The woman in my opinion meant no harm o, I feel she is just trying to save ya future hubby’s money for him so he doesn’t eat outside. Since you are not married to him yet, she doesn’t need ya permission. Honestly, chill. Its ok †☺ feel the way you do. Chill pls. I don’t think you should discuss it with him, just find a way to heal yourself of this self inflicted hurt.
    N. ß. Pls PM, I want ya email addy. Thanks.

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  33. I think she is really making a mountain out of a morehill. There is notin wrong if her soon to be motherinlaw bought some kitchen items for her. I see wat d mother did as an act of love n expect her to accept it in gratitude.She can still go ahead n buy the other items that she needs to furnish her kitchen.Its too early for her to see dis as an actt of war, remember she is not yet married to the guy yet, she is still his fiancee not his wife.Throwing those items away would send a wrong signal and I advise that if she truly wants peace, she should tank d woman for her gesture.

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  34. I would tell this young lady to seat down and think because in my own opinion she’s about to launch out on a war path… Then she should not she is not married to the guy and his mother is doing what she deem right which actually is

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  35. Love is giving & it is also an expression of true love. Understanding is what makes a relationship outstanding.I don’t think there is anything wrong if a mum get things 4 her son. As far as i am concern,she stil has d right to do things for her son & bless him d way she chooses to until he gets married.PLS be happy dat your mother in law to be is so nice,My dear,dis isa prove dat she can do anything 4 u becos of d love she has 4 her son.Enjoy her kindness & celebrate it.not every mum wil do dat!

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  36. Love is giving & it is also an expression of true love. Understanding is what makes a relationship outstanding.I don’t think there is anything wrong if a mum get things 4 her son. As far as i am concern,she stil has d right to do things for her son & bless him d way she chooses to until he gets married.PLS be happy dat your mother in law to be is so nice,My dear,dis is a prove dat she can do anything 4 u becos of d love she has 4 her son.Enjoy her kindness & celebrate it.not every mum wil do dat

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  37. Without any sentiment, I know this lady ought to work on how she perceives people. How can you start making judgements based on assumptions!!! You may be wrong to feel this way ‘iyawo-to-be’.

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  38. Shes going to be a disrespectful wife, who sees her mother in-law -to -be as a hindrance to her to-be home, secondly the bible says get wisdom and in all thy getting, get understanding. before she lights a match over fire, she should put herself in the shoes of her mother-in-law who is helping her son/ daughter in-law-to-be. Shes built a wall of defense already and taken d side of the defensive, she probably might see a hug as her being initiated……… #girl get a grip of ya life

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  39. Its okay to feel upset becos its ur soon to be kitchen but then i think u shld let ur fiance know hw u feel in a polite mannner. To think of it ur fiance mum may have done it out of a good harm meaning no harm at all. U need to communicate first b4 u do anything

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  40. My dear,you are not yet married to the man even though you are engaged! So to his mother,her dear son is stil very much single and needs help with Kitchen wares! Even if she buys it,I think all you can do is to appreciate them and compliment your mother in law to be for buying them!! I think you should get used to the fact that you are also marrying not just the Man but his family!! Start now to integrate urself into d family welll!! To me.you are still thinking of you and d man alone,but that is a myopic view cos dis is Africa!! You have to find a way of blending ur love for d man and his family too whatever they bring ur way if you want peace!! Relax my dear kk and use the remaining months to build yourself up for marriage

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  41. My dear forget the kitchen and think of who you are marrying, that’s just a caring mum saving her sun from starving to death while you are away for a month. Take a chill pill and be glad you got extra money for shoes ..lol (that’s just a diversion hehehe). You can change those after the wedding. Kapish.

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